All Along
by annabethisterrified
Summary: Adam can't take the staring, the hinting, and the not-knowing. Something inside of him has finally bubbled over.


p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam's fingers leapt away from the wound, the dark bruise aching with soreness. He stared at his marred reflection in the small mirror of his apartment bathroom. It was hard to tell if Cabeswater was feeding him, or feeding emon/em him. His eyes seemed more aware, more powerful- but his face was gaunt. His cheeks were hollowing./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"He reached up again, tentatively, to trace the bruise, but was interrupted as Ronan's tall frame encompassed the doorway of the bathroom. He tossed Adam a tube of ointment before sitting on the counter. Adam squeezed out a dollop of ointment, spreading it gently over the bruise. It was stupid, really. Cabeswater had told him to shift some rocks to strengthen the leyline, and he had stumbled, his face slamming into a stone. Thankfully, Ronan had driven him, and after a colorful shouting match with the rocks, he'd speeded them back to St. Agnes./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Damn, Parrish," Ronan muttered, his eyes examining Adam's bruise. "I'm beginning to think this whole 'Cabeswater' thing is a lot more than you signed up for."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam shrugged, leaning closer to the mirror. He dabbed at his face with a washcloth, wincing. "Yeah, well. I've had worse."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam hadn't meant much by it. But the tiny room suddenly skyrocketed with tension. The implication of his words had dug into painful territory. Ronan had gone uncharacteristically silent. Adam sighed, setting down the washcloth. He glanced at Ronan, whose jaw was tight. He stared at Adam, and for the first time, he didn't bother to glance away- it unnerved Adam more than it should have. Maybe Adam should've felt flattered, or humbled, like he'd been feeling for the past month. Instead, Adam felt something closer to anger. Something within him had finally bubbled over./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Do you have something you need to say to me, Lynch?" he demanded, surprised at his own audacity. Ronan blinked. There was something gratifying about the way his ears tinted pink. So it had been addressed- this...whatever it was between them. Ronan set his jaw./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Something I emneed/em?" he asked finally./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine. Something you emwant/em to say to me?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Ronan almost smiled. "One day, Adam, you might realize that 'need' and 'want' aren't as different as you'd like them to be."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam grit his teeth. "That's not an answer."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Ronan didn't hesitate. "Answer to what?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam gripped the counter, trying to keep himself under control- but Ronan had never made that easy for him to do. He wasn't sure what he wanted. What he needed. But Adam knew he was tired of secrets. "You act emso /emtough, Lynch. So goddamned tough. But you can't even..."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"He trailed off in frustration, groaning. The bathroom was too small. Adam pushed past Ronan, storming into the kitchen./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""What is emwrong /emwith you, Parrish?" Ronan snarled, his voice rising. He followed Adam. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Me?" Adam shouted louder, gesturing wildly to himself. "emMe?! /emRonan. Come on! You know exactly what I'm talking about."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""You think so?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Don't tell me I'm crazy," Adam said. A pang of doubt coursed through him, and his voice softened, almost to a plea. "Don't tell me I'm fucking crazy."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Parrish-"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Just tell me. I need to know."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Ronan was silent for a moment, his fists clenching and unclenching. "Well. It sounds like you already have it all figured out." His voice was harsh. "Still need me to spell it out for you?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam knew he was supposed to feel guilty. But he'd gotten them this far- no turning back now. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Yes!" he exclaimed, his voice cracking. "Instead of punching my father, or- or emwalls. /emInstead of dreaming up mixtapes and fucking hand lotion, and threatening my tennant- why don't you just emsay /emsomething?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"His chest heaved. His heart lurched. What was he doing? "Please," Adam whispered./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Ronan wouldn't meet his eyes. "What the fuck does it matter?" he growled, his face burning. "Why? So you can feel better about yourself? So you can laugh at me?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam was taken aback. His breathing was labored. This was too close to the forbidden truth- a secret they'd been dancing around for too long. It felt unreal- a vision from the dream tree, a passing fantasy. He almost regretted provoking Ronan. Almost./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Lynch," he started. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""No!" Ronan shouted, his voice shaking. He paced the room. "It doesn't- fucking- matter! Okay? It's...it's emwhatever. /emYou like girls!"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"And there it was. Adam's chest nearly collapsed. A part of him had always doubted, with no uncertainty, the intention behind Ronan's actions, his hungry stares. But it was emtrue. /emRonan Lynch had a crush on Adam Parrish. He had to lean against the wall. The two boys simmered in silence as the veil between them was snatched away. Ronan muttered a curse, heading for the door./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Of course I like girls," Adam heard himself say, his accent thick. Ronan froze, his back turned to him./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Right," he mumbled dejectedly, reaching for the knob. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam rose. "Right. But.."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"He swallowed hard. Slowly, Ronan turned around, his eyes watering. Adam tried to give voice to the whispers in his head, confusing and uprooting him. At this moment, he was confident that Blue was probably with Gansey, and that they were probably doing whatever couples could do when they couldn't kiss. But the knowledge no longer stung- it hadn't for a long time, and Adam was terrified that he knew precisely why. He had no idea what it meant for him. He opened his mouth, trying again./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""But that doesn't mean I can't- it doesn't..."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Ronan's eyebrows furrowed. Words had failed Adam. He took a step forward. And another. Then one more, until he and Ronan had nowhere to look but one another. Ronan swallowed visibly. His voice was less than a whisper. "Can't what?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam signed once- a first step, a final resignation. He surged closer, meeting Ronan's lips with hopeless abandon. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"And Adam yanked himself away just as quickly. Both their eyes were wide with shock./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Oh, emfuck."/em Adam muttered. Ronan lifted his fingers to his own lips, tracing them in a way that struck Adam as painfully endearing. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Did that just happen?" Ronan asked./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Thought you knew when you were awake, Lynch," Adam said breathlessly, feeling his cheeks flush./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""I'm not so sure," he whispered. His eyes drifted to Adam's lips. The space between them was close to nonexistent. Ronan leaned down slowly, offering Adam a billion opportunities to pull away, to run away. He didn't. They were kissing again, sinking into each other. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Somewhat awkwardly, Ronan looped his arms around Adam's waist, drawing him closer. Adam's hands moved across the sides of Ronan's angular face, his shaved hair, his neck, his shoulders- Adam lost track. He was giddy and panicked and certain and faltering. He'd kissed before, but not like this. It wasn't even the fact that Ronan was -emoh my god- /ema boy. It was the fact that he felt he was starting to understand what Ronan had meant earlier. Need and want could be different. But in this instant, they were utterly indistinguishable. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"When they pulled away, Ronan still looked bewildered. "Did- did that really just happen?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""You already asked that," Adam whispered./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""But- but emBlue-" /emhe stammered. "And- and..you. But you.."embr /em/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Jesus Christ," Adam observed. "You okay?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Not really!" Ronan exclaimed, but he was starting to smile. "I mean- yes! I'm...yeah. I'm definitely okay. You?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam paused. "Yeah. I am. But, uh- we should probably wait to tell Gansey."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""Tell Gansey? Oh god," Ronan exhaled. "That'll be fun. But, uh...tell him emwhat, /emexactly?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"He met Adam's eyes, uncertainty flooding them both. He got the feeling neither of them were quite ready to define this- whatever emthis /emwas./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""I'm willing to find out if you are," Adam said slowly. A smart answer. Ronan nodded carefully. "All right Parrish. You have yourself a deal."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;""You make it sound like this is an undercover operation."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Ronan paused, a wicked grin splitting his face. "Isn't it?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam crossed his arms. "More like an emunder covers /emoperation."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"He tried to keep a straight face. It didn't last. They both keeled over, dissolving into hysterical laughter. It was weird- Adam felt like things should be awkward or confusing between them now. But they really weren't. Maybe they'd both been expecting it too long for it to seem unusual. Maybe even when it'd been unspoken, it'd still been there. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Ronan hung out for the rest of the afternoon, like always. He helped Adam study for Latin, like always. And like always, be griped and moaned about calculus. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"And that night, when they met their friends at Nino's, they probably didn't even notice the change. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"Adam and Ronan still argued. They still stole glances at each other over their menus. But these things had been common for quite some time, and they would continue to be for as long as they were allowed. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.800400733947754px;"After all, some things were just meant to be./p 


End file.
